On Wings Like Eagles

Something Heavenly

2008-06-18T07:14:00.003-07:00

This pretty much sums up what's going on in my life right now. Every word.

Something Heavenly

It's time for healing time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me

And all I can do is surrender

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see

but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone

Time to begin again

Reevaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow Your will

Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is

You want from me

I give everything I surrender...

To...

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos but I believe

You're up to something bigger than me

Larger than life something Heavenly

It's time to face up

Clean this old house

Time breathe in and let everything out

- Sanctus Real

Know Hope

2008-05-31T20:14:00.012-07:00

I went back to Windsor today. We started by going to an industrial area by the park to load up debris and take it to the dump. It's amazing the things you find when cleaning up debree. I found a barbie swimming pool that I'm sure one little girl will miss. I also found the jaw bone of a cow with the teeth still in tact. Eeeeew right?! It was interesting. So we headed to the dump...which is always a fun experience.

After we returned to the church, we went to a big event in the middle of the town. They had a HUGE silent auction, music, food, drinks, etc. It was all for the victims and the volunteers. They were able to raise a lot of money and part of it will be sent to Iowa to help the victims there. It was amazing to think how badly these people need this money and yet they are going to give part of it to others who are dealing with the same devistation that they are. I am realizing more and more how great of a town Windsor is. The people in this town are so selfless....well, the ones I've met anyway.

After lunch, we headed back out to help out a family from the church who lived near the area that was hit. When we got there, they didn't need much help so we decided to park the car and walk the streets. We met a lady who gladly took our offer to help. She had several men who were pulling up what was left of her trees but she needed help putting the dirt back, cleaning out the debris, and smoothing it all out. During the time we were helping her, I was able to talk to her about her experience and how she's holding up. She said that she feels so overwhelmingly blessed for all the people that have been helping her. She also said that she has been dissapointed because her co-workers haven't been very supportive and act like it's no big deal. She said that the volunteers have been more supportive than some of her friends have been.

It was really great to be able to serve this woman and talk to her and just really see how this town is coming together. There are so many homes that have the words "Thank You" painted on them. One even said "Thank You Lord". I keep expecting to meet people who are angry at God or angry that they have no home and it's been just the opposite. These people are just greatful to be alive.

I am truly humbled and I learned a lot from these people. I'm going to bed now with a sun burn and a full heart because I know I made the most of today.

Words can't describe...

2008-05-26T19:17:00.008-07:00

(Notice the roof that completely came off but is still on the house and moved quite a bit.)

Today I went to Windsor with the Fort Collins and the Windsor Vineyard to help with the outreach/relief efforts. I realize I'm a bit nieve when I say this, but I've never seen anything so devistating in my life. As we were walking the streets it was amazing to hear the stories of how people survived, how they were coping, and what they are going to do. We were able to clean up some of the yards. All of the houses, yards, bushes, cars, etc. were litterally covered in shredded insulation. It looked like someone drove down the streets and just sprayed large ammounts of cotton candy everywhere. We were picking up shingles in a man's back yard and he said, "as far as I'm concerned you can take the whole roof. I'm gonna have to replace it anyway." At least he had a sense of humor about it I guess. Other people weren't so lighthearted about the situation. The last stretch of our day was spent walking down a street that was more damaged than any other street we'd been on that day. None of us knew what to say. We just kept walking and asking people what we could do to help. We happened to be walking by this house:

when the homeowner was there. She was devistated. If you look beyond the debris to the left you'll notice all that's left is the wall of her kitchen. She said, "I'm never coming back." It made me want to cry. I can't even imagine what these people are going through.

This has really opened my eyes and made me thankful for all the things I have. It makes me thankful for the little things that we so often take for granted. Things like the roof over our heads...litterally, being able to sleep in our own beds every night, having a kitchen to cook in, a living room to sit in, a bathroom to bathe in, etc. I found myself thanking God a lot today.

My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to these people in Windsor.

Hitting the "Reset" Button

2008-05-06T19:55:00.013-07:00

Remember, on the old school Nintendo, when you messed up or wanted to start over all you had to do was press the "reset" button and you're back at the beginning to try it over again? Wouldn't it be nice if life had a "reset" button?

My eyes have been opened up to a lot this past week and it's been amazingly intense. I realized that, just like alchohol and drugs, love can be an addiction. It can be an addiction that causes you to make the same mistakes over and over again that end you up in the same situation time after time. I'm seeing these patterns in my own life and I realize that something's gotta change. I heard a quote once and I can't remember who it's by but it said, "Do what you've always done and you'll get what you've always gotten." That is at the forefront of my mind right now.

Changes need to be made. Habits need to be broken. My heart needs to change.

My pastor brought up a good point last Sunday. Going through a change like this and trying to overcome this addiction can be very similar to any other adict trying to get themselves better. There's withdrawls. There's temptation. There are all of these side effects to change and getting away from old habits. Once it was put into that perspective, my mindset changed completely. For the first time, I felt normal. Like I wasn't the only one who ever goes through the things I've been experiencing. I felt grace for the times I slip and fall. I felt patience for the rollercoaster of emotions. All in all, it's put a whole new spin on healing.

So, I'm starting over. I'm hitting my "reset" button, if you will. And I'm going into it knowing that it won't be easy. I think of the movie 28 days and how she struggled to even want to change and get better but once she did, her life was better than she imagined it could be. (I still chuckle at the end of that movie when that poor guy's plant dies. Maybe I should get a plant...it'd be a good start.) Anyway, I wanted to share with you these things because it's been an amazing change in perspective for me and it's been so helpful to have so many people who support and love me through all of this. God is amazing and I know that, in the end, He will have something amazing waiting for me.

There is no real "reset" button in life, but I believe God gives us devine Grace with second chances. He knows we will make mistakes. He knows we are only human. And yet, He loves us enough to give his own life for those very mistakes; to give us the option of hitting His version of the "reset" button. Praise God for that!

Rebuilding With Broken Pieces

2008-04-17T20:53:00.007-07:00

"God can heal a broken heart, but he has to have all the pieces." - Unknown

How many of us have been in a situation where we've cried out to God in frustration or heartache and said, "God fix this! Make it stop hurting!", but yet we refrain from giving him all the tools he needs to really heal us completely. We are willing to give up the pieces we are ready to surrender but then there are parts of our wounds that we are so affraid to let go of out of anger, bitterness, hurt, etc.

The issue here is trust. It's gotta start there. It's gotta start with the heart and soul of who we are. We have to grow from the inside out not the outside in. Often we find ourselves in small groups or outreach programs and we feel like we are doing all the right things to help change our lives and be better people. Well it's all empty if we haven't started working on the inside first.

There are so many times I've been let down and lied to and hurt and betrayed and blah blah blah. It's so easy to get caught up in the "poor me" and the negative feelings that boil over with fear and regret. I believe God has so much more for us. I believe he wants to free us from the captivity of these lies. Realizing that I have the power to identify the lies from truth has helped so much. Then learning the importance of replacing the lies with truth. These are all things I'm learning and I think have been extremely helpful during this time.

God is good. I can't say that enough. I'm so excited to see what He is going to do with this season of my life. I have good days and I have bad days. However, I keep my head up and know that there's a bigger picture than the one that's in front of me now. That's something worth holding on to.

Mind Over Matter

2008-04-07T14:00:00.009-07:00

I recently picked up the book "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Myers and am amazed at how much it's put things into perspective. It's amazing to start thinking in such a way that we can control our thoughts. That we have a choice to be happy or sad, positive or negative and how the enemy uses that freedom to get what he wants.

First of all, the devil is a liar. He seeps into our thoughts the day we are born and starts feeding us with lies and condemnation throughout our entire lives. We can't control our actions if we don't control our thoughts. If we don't have control of our thoughts, it only gives a foothold for the enemy to subconciously make us feel like we aren't good enough, like we don't measure up.

Recently, a friend of mine told me that he was praying for me and got an image of a character from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. (Yes, even I feel a bit odd talking about Jesus and Monty Python in the same paragraph.) He had an image of the knight who kept getting limbs cut off and coming back for more. "It's just a flesh wound!" "Come back and I'll bite your legs off!" Seriously though, he felt like God was revealing to me that I am trying to take all these things on myself. I'm trying to be "strong" and perservere. Well no one can perservere in isolation. I have a hard time asking for help, especially when I feel that I have nothing to give in return. I'm learning that, as the body of Christ, we are here to help each other and build eachother up, no matter what we get in return. I'm learning that, rather than isolating myself and trying to take it all on myself, I need to get out of my comfort zone and let people help me. I need to let God help me.

Habakkuk 3:19 says; "...walk and make progress upon my high places!" It says to walk. Not run. I think, sometimes, it's easy for us to want to hurry through healing and growth because we are so eagre for the outcome. This humbled me in a way that made me realize that there is a reason these things take time. In this book it says, "pride is the "beast" that will consume us if we recieve too much freedom too quickly." It then goes on to say, "That way, we appreciate our freedom more; we realize it is truly a gift from God and not something we can make happen in our own strength."

I remember my father used to always say, "Argue for your weakness and it's yours." I used to hate it when he said that. It is so true though. We can sit and go on about how horrible things are and how nothing goes our way and blah blah blah, but the more you think it, the more it will come to be. Throughout the first few chapters, the book refers back to Proverbs 23 that says, "for as he thinks in his heart, so is he..." The kind of life we lead reflects the way we think. If we think negatively, our lives will be negative. If we think positively, we will be able to have a positive outlook on whatever comes our way.

Overdue Update

2008-03-23T20:33:00.011-07:00

For those of you who have kept up, you know that things have gone down hill rather quickly since the new year. For those of you who are out of the loop, I apologize for not keeping you posted.

I am no longer engaged to be married. This came after a lot of prayer and counsel. It has been a roller coaster, as these things usually are, and I'm trying my best to cope and learn from all of this.

God is good. We all know this...or at least I hope you do. It's times like these that make it so hard to understand why we end up in unhealthy situations. We start questioning ourselves and the lives that we lead. The enemy slowly seeps in and runs away with the "what if's" and the "why's".

I am so, so, blessed to have such an amazing support system, church family, and friends. Without them, this would be a much heavier load to bear. As I've been dealing with the different parts of heartache, dissapointment, and doubt, it's been comforting to have people constantly bringing me back to what's important.

I rely on people for things that only God can fix. I'm realizing this now. I know that all things are possible through God who strengthens me and it's to Him that I look for my strength. Every day is a new day and "joy comes with the morning". Praise God for that!

I hope you all are well. I will keep you posted and write more soon...I promise.

Lessons Learned

2008-01-04T07:25:00.001-07:00

At the beginning of every year, we tend to look back on the year past and reflect the ways we've changed, the things we've learned, and what lies ahead. 2007 was a year of change for me. God has done so much in my heart and I still can't believe how far I've come.

There are two things that come to mind when I think of the lessons learned in 2007. The first thing is; things never turn out like you planned. We all make plans. We all try to keep our lives in order. And then reality gets in the way. We end up with anxiety when things don't go right. We have to change OUR plans because of something someone else did. When, in the grand scheme of things, it was never OUR plan to begin with. When we take a step back and realize that God is in control and that whatever happens, He will make the best of it for our situation, we start to find a peace we never knew existed. There are people in our lives that let us down. That is inevitable. There are events that occur unexpectedly that cause our lives to go in a downward spiral. It's hard to understand why these things happen. I find peace, however, in knowing that God IS in control and everything happens according to his divine plan.

The second thing is this: things aren't always what they seem. We are trusting people, for the most part. We want to believe what people tell us. We want to believe that the amazing friend we just met will be around forever. There are people out there that will tell you what you want to hear. They will wow you with their knowledge and wisdom. They inspire you with their faith. However, there are wolves in sheep's clothing among us. There are people that let us down and don't live up to what they portray. Don't get me wrong. There are a lot of legit, good people out there. I have just learned that just because someone says they are a Christian, doesn't necessarily mean they are a follower of Christ. Just because someone says they know you, doesn't mean they know what's best for you. Just because someone says they love you and they care about you, doesn't mean they feel that way unconditionally.

My eyes have been opened to a lot this past year and I go forward with a thankful heart. I can't wait for what 2008 has to bring. God is SO good and I've seen Him work in so many amazing ways this past year. As I continue to learn and grow, I stand humbled by all the things I've been blessed with and how compassionate our God really is.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope it's a good one!

Better Than

2007-09-09T20:32:00.000-07:00

Yes, yes, I know, another song. I heard this the other day and wrote down the verse because it struck me. I looked it up and the "song meanings" site came up. I read through the lyrics, even more moved than before, and then started reading what other people's takes on it are. Some good stuff! Here's the song and then below are a few things people had to say about it. Pretty powerful and true stuff. Totally met me where I'm at right now. It's good to be reminded that "its just all about how to stop looking for something better because you'll never find it and only waste what you already have" and "the grass is greener, but just as hard to grow."

Better Than

All you want is
What you can't have and if ya'
Just look around man
You'll see you got magic

So just, sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't, look back on life man
And only see tragic because

Chorus:
You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than that
Life's not about what's better than

You can be better than that
Don't let it get the better of you
What could be better than that
Life's not about what's better

All the time while ya' lookin' away
There are, things you can do man
There's things you can say
Unto the, the ones your with
With whom you're spending the day
Get your, gaze off tomorrow
And come on and maybe, because

Chorus

Oh, I know, sometimes
Things can be hard
But you should know, by now
They come and they go so why
Oh why do I
Look to the other side, 'cause I know
The grass is greener
But, just as hard to grow
Life's not about what's better than

All you want is
What you can't have
And if ya' just look around man
You'll see you got magic

So just, sit back and relax
Enjoy it while you still have it
Don't, look back on life man
And only see tragic because

- John Butler Trio

REVIEWS:

by Skepsis on 03-30-2007 @ 12:12:52 AM

This song is about the illusion of the grass being greener on the other side. Well I think John is trying to say that this doesn't have to be true. Just live and feel and realize that the grass isn't always greener. As long as you've got food, clean water, and shelter you're better than.

by jemmalee on 04-12-2007 @ 09:11:09 AM

Well i agree with SKepsis but i take this song as about being in a relationship and always looking around for other things better oppertunities...and taking waht you have for granted (All you want is
What you can't have) If you keep looking for new and better stuff you will lose what you already have ..(Enjoy it while you still have it)
(All the time while ya' lookin' away
There are, things you can do man
There's things you can say) As if not to take what you have for granted because the time your spending looking around your ruining what you do have.. really i think its just all about how to stop looking for something better because youll never find it and only waste what you already have..... anyways not sure if im right and this is my first comment...but thats just how i take it.... great song tho!

by rela119 on 06-05-2007 @ 12:38:53 AM

I really like this song, the lyrics are good and i love the instrumentals in it as well. this song is just about appreciating what you have, not wasting your life away concerning yourself with things you don't have.

by THNDR on 06-07-2007 @ 10:16:35 PM

Find the value in the small.
Don't go on checking what you DONT have,
go on checking what you DO have.
And be satisfied with it, cos it could be worse.

by NickPJ on 06-19-2007 @ 01:48:25 PM

Well I was at Bonnaroo this past weekend and saw the greatness that is John Butler Trio and he happened to explain this song. He said it is about going out to get that one thing like a new car or that new stereo for that car and thinking once you get it everything will be ok. Then once you get it you realize it's not good enough so you have to get that next big thing like a new big TV or something and he is singing about how it is an illness and everyone can be better then their material possessions.

Kinda reminds me of Diamonds On The Inside by Ben Harper about how what you have doesn't really mean anything. Life should be about your friends, family and having a fun time.

Beautiful Disaster

2007-08-24T14:02:00.001-07:00

I heard this song on the radio the other day and every word seemed like it was spelling out my story. I know a lot of songs touch a lot of people but sometimes it's nice when a song comes along and says it better than you ever could. Thank you God for molding me into the person I am now. Thank you for taking what was once broken and making it beautiful.

Beautiful Disaster

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sounds that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and complements.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she sees make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between a beautiful disaster,
And she needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfection.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

Cuz she's just the way she is, but no ones told her that's ok.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in between a beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in between a beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And just needs someone to take her home.

-Jon McLaughlin

The Valley's "WORST OF" List

2007-08-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

If you live in Arizona, you know how "BEST OF LIST"-happy they are here. I happened to come across this article today and couldn't help the urge to stand up and say, "THANK YOU! Finally, someone steps up and states the obvious!" Now, I'm certainly not one to pick out the negative in everything, but there are just some things that get a bit too much attention. A hilarious take on a few well known happenings in the area anyway. Enjoy!

The Valley's "Worst Of"
by David Leibowitz of the Northeast Phoenix Times

It’s been a dozen years for me in the Valley and if there’s one thing I’ve learned over time it’s that my media bretheren here love their “Best Of” lists. The Republic, the New Times, the Tribune, and Phoenix Magazine – every year, each spend and entire issue finding new ways to rewrite the same three lines:

“My gosh, doesn’t Chris Cianco make awesome pizza!”

“Pat McMahon may be 200 years old, but gosh he sounds half his age. And, hey, do you remember when he was on Wallace and Ladmo?”

“Blah, blah, blah! Chompie’s Deli! Oy vey, such bagels! Blah, blah, blah.”

Given such journalistic commitment to relentless praise and positivity, it feels like there’s a niche that needs filling: Bitterness and cynicism.
That’s where yours truly enters the picture. When you’re born to a family whose motto is, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say it anyway,” then clearly the “Worst of the Valley” is right in your wheelhouse. Thus, let the nominations begin.

WORST AIRLINE SERVICE (WHILE SINGING LIKE MORONS):
S o u t h w e s t Airlines. I know, you’re supposed to “luv” being “free to move about the country: with these chipper souls, but I don’t. That planes are old, their peanuts suck and the cattle call feels less like travel and more like a mosh pit. And when we’re two hours late coming back from Vegas, the singing just galls all the more.

WORST ANOINTING OF A PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE:
Arizona Cardinals QB Matt Leinart. The guy wins four and loses seven last year, throws more interceptions than touchdowns and plays for a team owned by the Bidwill family. This gets you christened the Valley’s Football Jesus? Prediction: Leinart goes to the Super Bowl in 2008. In a limo. Oh, and speaking of the Super Bowl…

WORST RENAISSANCE OF A VALLEY CITY:
Glendale. Let’s recap the new amenities. There’s a football stadium that’s home to a horrendous team, a hockey rink that’s home to a horrendous team, a hockey rink that’s home to a horrendous team, and all the same malls I can find 20 miles closer. Oh, and there’s Jordin Sparks. The take from here: If it’s west of Interstate 17, it might as well be on Jupiter. Of course, Jupiter has better shopping than Westgate.

WORST LONG WAIT FOR NOTHING:
Light rail, downtown Phoenix. I’m keeping track: So far I’ve spent nine months of my life stranded in traffic caused by light-rail construction. This for a system that will connect no place to nowhere and give potential riders the chance to bask in 120-degree heat while waiting for a lift. The good news? Pedestrians getting run down while crossing the tracks will make for a whole new genre of “top story” on Valley TV newscasts. And while we’re on the subject of news…

WORST TECHNOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENT IMPACTING LOCAL TV ANCHORFOLK:
Hi-def TV. Every station in town seems to tout “the news in hi def.” The problem with that? I didn’t spend $3,000 on a TV to see Kent Dana’s head looking like a topographical map of the Himalayas. The guy’s a legend, the best local anchor I’ve ever seen, but can someone put Vaseline on that camera lens please?

I'm Not Who I Was

2007-07-05T11:33:00.000-07:00

Praise God!!

I'm Not Who I Was

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I'm not who I was

I used to be mad at you

A little on the hurt side too

But I'm not who I was

I found my way around

To forgiving you

Some time ago

But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph

I saw me and I had to laugh

You know, I'm not who I was

You were there, you were right above me

And I wonder if you ever loved me

Just for who I was

When the pain came back again

Like a bitter friend

It was all that I could do

To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing

I figured out I can sing

Now I'm not who I was

I write about love and such

Maybe 'cause I want it so much

I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I

I should let you know

I am not the same

But I never did forget your name

Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing

In amazing grace

Is the chance to give it out

Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now

I wish I could show you how

I'm not who I was

~ Brandon Heath

Catching Up

2007-06-20T16:11:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should start with the Boot Camp. It was....AMAZING. I showed up not knowing anyone and feeling a bit out of place and left with an entire "family" of new close friends. God revealed to me so many things that were getting in the way of my leadership. I felt extremely convicted and blessed at the same time. He healed past hurts that I thought I'd let go of a long time ago.

Humility. That was the word on everyone's lips all weekend long. It seemed to be the theme of what people were looking to get out of the weekend. At one point, I was physically unable to sing because I had been feeling so inferior that God just put me in my place and reminded me, once again, that it's NOT about me. I'll tell you, standing there worshiping God with 25 talented worship leaders and not being able to get out so much as a hum was extremely humbling. I was forced to just sit in His presence and listen to everyone else for a change. God really met me where I was at.

Throughout the weekend, I realized more and more how self conscious I am and how I always feel like I have to prove myself to people. God met me there too. After praying for and receiving healing from past issues within the church, I got up and went to wash my face. As I was walking to the restroom, God tried to tell me He wasn't finished with me yet. I thought to myself, "yes you are." So I stood in front of the mirror and He spoke. "You ARE good enough. That is an amazing woman you're looking at. I love you." I broke down, went back in and said, "we're not done yet." I then received prayer...again. Hahaha. It's rather humorous looking back on it actually. I really do believe God has a sense of humor when it comes to these things. The point is, however, that I realized that I don't have to prove myself to people. The friends that I made over the weekend helped me realize that. I was able to let loose and have a good time and I didn't have to put up walls or paint on a mask....and they are STILL friends with me. That's amazing! Hahaha. Just kidding. Seriously, though. I'm so thankful for that. It's so nice to know that there are other people in the world dealing with the same frustrations, stresses, and issues that I am. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Since I've been back, we've all kept in touch and they've already helped me in so many ways with advice and prayers.

So, to sum up the weekend, there was laughing, there was crying, there was singing, there was sighing.....(ok. I couldn't help but rhyme there. I'm a nerd.) There were midnight hikes and ice cream eating contests, there were inside jokes and late night conversations, there were jam sessions and dancing, there were tornado sirens and room raids. Friendships were made, humility was found, and lessons were learned. Most of all, I learned so much and grew so much closer to God.

In other news, I found a new roommate!! As most of you know, I've been struggling with my roommate and finally had to ask her to move out. Her parents moved her things out last weekend and my new roommate has started the process of moving in. She's an awesome girl. I found her on CraigsList.com (yes, I was skeptical), and I was VERY blunt about what I am and am NOT looking for. She's a nursing student and is from Parker, AZ. She has a boyfriend who is really nice. She also has a yorkie so Bella will have a friend around the house now. Yay! She likes to ride her bike with her boyfriend and we're already talking about getting me one so I can start riding with them. She has had some pretty bad luck with roommates and has had her share of people walking on her and leaving her stranded, so she definitely has a respect for my situation. She's a great girl and I'm excited for her to move in.

There are a few other things that have happened but I think I'll do a separate post about those. This one is more of an update. So stay tuned.....

Worship

2007-05-31T08:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, I was reminded why I do what I do.

We started worship with an amazing video the depicts the whole core of why/how we worship. As we started singing, God just...showed up. Following worship, we continued to pray in His presence. While in prayer, I got an image...which never happens to me...of a container with something in it and then something else going into it and pushing the other stuff out. It was clear that this was God's way of showing that He comes in and pushes all the bad stuff out. He doesn't take pieces and leave the things we don't want him to touch. He takes it all and fills the void with his Grace and Love. All we have to do is let Him. Once we were done praying, a message came across and moved one of the teens to tears. I was able to pray for her and it was amazing. I struggle with prayer. I never know what to say. Somehow, though, as I started praying for her, the words just came pouring out of me. It was such an amazing experience.

Then, debating on weather or not to say anything about the image...someone spoke up and said they got an image during prayer. An image of a container and something going into the container. This person felt it was an image of letting God come into our lives. The person that spoke up was a person I have had a hard time getting along with. I found it humbling that God used the one person that I struggle to connect with to speak up with the exact same image He revealed to me, thus provoking me to speak up and add to the already amazing thing that God was doing. To put it simply: God is AMAZING!

Some say, you never see the fruit of your labor. 9 times out of 10, I agree with this. However, every now and then, something happens that makes it all...worth it. I haven't had a moment like last night in a long time. I needed that. I needed to be reminded that just because I may not feel like I'm making a difference doesn't mean I'm not. We definitely don't always see the fruit of what we do. That's the beauty of ministry. We do God's work and have faith that it moves so much farther than we will ever see.

I'm leaving tomorrow morning on a journey to Wisconsin for the Vineyard Worship Leader's Boot Camp. I can't think of a better way to start off this weekend than what happened last night. I'm so excited to build some new relationships, learn some new things, and most of all, grow closer to God through this great and wonderful thing called worship.

False Reality

2007-05-11T10:20:00.000-07:00

From the time we are old enough to speak, we are influenced by society's definition of beauty. Barbie has been a trade mark of "perfection" for generations. Magazines spend millions of dollars advertising ways to get that "great bod" or "fab figure" that the air brushed cover model depicts.

The other day, I was at the dog park sitting next to a man when his phone rang. He picked it up and started talking to a woman who, by the sound of the conversation, had just woken up from getting a boob job. This guy was saying things like, "well, that's the price you pay for beauty." I then got up and left the park. I couldn't sit and listen to the conversation. It was then that I realized something...

So many women will go to life-threatening extremes to alter their appearance just so that they will feel accepted by society. Some women do it to turn heads. Some do it for attention. Some simply do it as a means of feeling in control of their lives and their destiny. What they don't realize is, God made us the way we are for a reason. The bible does not say, "In the image of society he created man". It simply states, "In the image of God he created man." I see these reality shows that better women's appearance and self esteem by completely transforming them. When, in the end, these women end up with a reflection they don't even recognize. We envy the girl with the perfect complexion. We envy the girl with the fit figure. We envy the girl with the cutest nose or the whitest teeth. This envy is what drives women to take drastic measures to turn themselves into the barbie that society deems acceptable. She'll get a nose job but then realize it doesn't look good with her bone structure. She'll get a face lift but then realize that her chest is too small. She'll get a boob job and then realize that her lips sink into her face. She'll get her lips done and before you know it, she's on a downward spiral of trying desprately to fill a void that, if she just let Him, God would have filled in the first place....no knives, no drugs, no bruises. Just love, grace, and compassion.

I worry about our youth. These girls grow up in a society that looks up to the girl with the latest designer hand bag or the girl with the cutest smile or the girl with the best figure. It's always been that way. However, it seems to get worse as the years go on. We live in such an image driven society that people feel that if they could just have that figure or if they could just have that life, they would be happy. The reality of it is, no matter what you do to yourself, no matter how much attention you get, no matter how hot you are, and no matter how much work you have done, you are still the same person inside. You are still insecure. You are still lacking that something that you spend thousdands of dollars trying to find. Sure it might boost your confidence to turn a few heads, but ultimately, it's you who has to look in that mirror every morning.

We live in a society of people pleasers. People pretend to be whatever they think you want and then once they start to get comfortable with you, the real them comes out and they are nothing like the person you were interested in from the beginning. I'm convinced this is why so many people that rush into marriage end up divorced and/or unhappy. Why pretend to be something you're not? Why change who you are? Why cater to society's definition of what's "acceptable". Do these people even know who they are anymore?

I pray for the people who are lost. I pray that they would see the truth before they are so far gone that they don't even recognize the person that they were to begin with.

Preparing For Rain

2007-04-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

We watched "Facing The Giants" during youth group on Wednesday night and it was an incredible movie. There was a story told and referred to throughout the movie that moved me. It goes something like this:

"Two men prayed and prayed for rain. The rain never came. One man spent all of his time preparing for rain. The other man sat around wondering why his prayers were'nt being answered. Rain finally came for the man who faithfully prepared for the rain."

I realized something. I've been sitting around praying and praying for things to get better. Praying and praying for a better situation. Praying and praying that God would get me to a point where I'm ready to move on to the next step of my life. Praying that I will be healed. Praying that I will no longer live in fear but by faith. I've been praying and praying for all of these things and in the mean time I sit around with my head down and my tail between my legs wondering why nothing is progressing. I'm not preparing myself. I'm not preparing my life. I'm a sitting duck. Sure there are times when I feel like I'm doing things that will help me along but ultimately I'm still holding on to things that keep me from being ready for such a change. It's time to let go. It's time to trust Him. It's time to start preparing for rain.

Stagnant Water

2007-03-01T13:14:00.000-07:00

In life, there are ripples that change things. Stones that are thrown in the mix that make us change direction or influence our future. People step into our lives and create ripples that radiate long after they leave. This is normally a constant thing in life. One after the other.

And then there are times in our lives where the water is stagnant. It seems as if things are calm. This can be an uneasy feeling because you know that there will be more stones to cause more ripples, but you don’t know when. You are just sitting and waiting to see what’s going to happen next.

So much has happened and so much has changed and now I’m sitting here amidst the remains of change and I’m waiting. Waiting to see what God is going to do with it all. It’s exciting and makes me anxious at the same time. Are there still more things that I need to weed out of my life? Have I put myself in a situation where I’ve laid it all down or have I only surrendered the parts I’m comfortable with giving up? Perhaps we are supposed to sit in stagnant water until we are forced to give up all the messy things so that God is able to create positive ripples in our lives. On the flip side, however, if we get too comfortable in this position, we become vulnerable and susceptible to negative and unexpected things that cause waves, not ripples. It is then, that we end up on our knees.

I’m taking the changes and looking ahead. The enemy constantly tries to do cannon balls and create un-necessary anxiety in my life and I’m constantly fighting the lies and the pain of regret and heartache. I know, however, that there is a much bigger picture. I know that as I’m wading in stagnant water, God is there. And when the enemy does creep in, God has the power to lift me into the boat and save me from drowning.

Puppy Love

2007-02-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how much has happened in one week.

I decided to quit my second job. It was not a healthy situation for me and I really feel like God has been leading me to quit for a while. I am anxious to see what he chooses to do with my free time....oh wait....well, I suppose some of that free time will now be taken up by my most adorable NEW PUPPY!! (pictured above) That's right! I got a puppy. She's adorable and she's so smart. I think I bought every "puppy training for dummies" book ever written. Haha. So that's the biggest change this week. God has also been revealing to me that he wants me to make more time for the Youth. By quitting my 2nd job, I'll now have more time to focus on what's going on in these kid's lives. It's hard to be a positive role model when you're constantly influenced by people who live such alternative lifestyles.

Along with my new puppy, I have a new room-mate. My room-mate decided to move back in with her boyfriend, so a friend of mine from my day job will be moving in this weekend. It'll be a change for sure.

Other than that, things are going well. I've realized, even more, that the path I've been headed down isn't a good one (as I've stated before in my posts). I finally decided to make some changes. Some changes in the lifestyle I choose to have. I am excited to have my time more focused and taken up by positive things than all the negative things that were taking up my time before. I feel good about the changes I'm making and, for the first time, I feel like I could possibly be happy here...of course, it could just be the euphoria I'm feeling because I have an adorable puppy at home...who knows. ;)

Anyway, that's about it. I need to get better at updating this thing. I hope everyone is doing well!

Afraid

2007-02-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

Afraid

You speak out all you feel is defiance

All you need is some self-reliance

Cause this world is gonna always try us

And all you wanted was to run for cover

Well here's looking to yourself and no other

We're all searching for that special something

And we keep on running

We all have the choice to take the lead or follow

I want to feel the light shine on me

You're so afraid of what people might say

But that's okay cause you're only human

You're so afraid of what people might say

But that's okay you'll soon get strong enough

You're so afraid of what people might say

But that's okay cause you're only human

You're so afraid of what people might say

You're going to break

So please don't do it

You wanna spread your wings but you're not sure

Don't wanna leave your comforts

Wanna find a cure

We're afraid of who we see in the mirror

We wanna let go but it feels too pure

Who wants to be alone in this world

You look around and all you see is hurt

But the light it always finds us

If we move with a little trust

A diamond don't define what shine is

I don't need a Rolex to know what the time is

You got yours let me find what mine is

I'm a survivor look how strong my mind is

I stand on my own it's all me

Regardless of whatever they call me

I'm a leader not a follower

And I'd rather be paid and popular

Ride homie get your dollars up

We're in the belly of the beast that already swallowed us

- Nelly Furtado

Stuck in a Rut

2007-01-29T13:10:00.000-07:00

I was reminded of this today and thought I would add this to my previous post....

As with any change, choosing a new path is something you have to train yourself to do. I am hard on myself because I don't wake up in the next morning and hit the new path running. We are human. We still stumble. We still fall.

Usually, you reach a point down the crooked path where you find yourself stuck in a rut as a result of continuing to make the same choices that lead to the same result. Once we make the decision to change, it starts by acknowledging that you need to change. You can't change by doing things the same way you've always done them. “If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.” So you decide to make some changes. By doing this, you continue to fall in the rut, but start to learn. You start doing things differently. You start making better choices. Pretty soon, you start stepping over the rut, but sometimes still trip and fall in. Then you start to walk around the rut. Eventually, you reach a point, where you take another path all together.

I pray that I would be able to reach a point where I can stop stepping over the rut I'm stuck in and trust in God enough to take a completely different path all together.

A path of hope. A path of faith. A path of peace.

Again, it is here that I lay everything at His feet. Only when we are stripped of everything, can we truely see to the core of who we are and with that give Him all that's left so that He can mold us into what He created us to be.

Choices

2007-01-23T15:41:00.000-07:00

In life, we have the freedom to make choices. Choices that determine our quality of life. In some cases, it’s easy to listen to God's direction. It’s easy to know what choice we are being led to make. In other cases, it’s not so easy. So often, we become vulnerable and we look for anything that will make us feel better. Often, this leads to bad choices. Bad choices that lead to consequences. Other choices stem from realizing that the path you are on, based on your choices, isn’t a good one. So you are faced with the choice of staying where you are or making changes to perhaps create a newer, straighter path. Redirecting yourself. Training your eyes to look in another direction.

I’ve decided that there are things in my life that I need to change. I’ve been traveling down a crooked path of anger, regret, pain, and exhaustion that isn’t healthy. This path is nothing but a result of the choices I’ve made. I made a decision to leave when I was hurt. I made a decision to run. I now need to make a decision to heal. I’ve made decisions since then that have landed me where I am now. Stripped to the core of everything I am. It is here that I realize I need to make some changes to become the woman God is trying so desperately to mold me into. It is here that I lay at His feet.

Proverbs 4:25-27

Look straight ahead,

And fix your eyes on what lies before you.

Mark out a straight path for your feet;

Stay on the safe path.

Don’t get sidetracked;

Keep your feet from following evil.

"Getting Past the Past"

2007-01-17T15:10:00.000-07:00

In an effort to post an update, I've written things and saved them and then changed them and yet can't quite manage to put into words how I'm feeling.

So....

This was posted on the Vineyard website today and it really met me where I'm at. Thought I'd share:

FaithWalk Daily Devotional
Title: Getting Past the Past

Author: Tony Beckett and Woodrow Kroll
Genesis 41-42, Matthew 12:1-23

Key Verses: Genesis 41:51-52

"Deal with it!" is a phrase often heard today. Sometimes it is accompanied with the encouragement to "get over it." These phrases can be like a form of shock counseling. Hit over the head with a blunt piece of advice, a person realizes, hopefully, that it is time to "move on." When Manasseh was born to Joseph and his wife, Joseph chose a name that meant "forget" because God had made Joseph to forget all his trouble (41:51). His brother's name, Ephraim, meant "twice fruitful" to remind Joseph that God had made him fruitful in the land of his suffering (v. 52).

Joseph definitely grew up in a dysfunctional family. There was enough wrong done to him to last several generations. He was sold into slavery, falsely accused of attempted seduction, imprisoned and even forgotten by those he helped-more than enough to warrant a lifetime crippled by the past.

Yet the past did not dominate and control Joseph. Instead, he kept his focus on God. By God's grace and with God's help, he put the past behind him and rejoiced in the blessings of the present.

By God's grace and with His help, so can you.
Perhaps there is pain in your past. Leave it there. Don't let the past control your present. By God's grace you can be the person He wants you to be, not one in bondage to previous experiences.

Brand New

2007-01-04T07:36:00.000-07:00

The new year always brings a fresh outlook on things. It’s different for everyone. Some people make resolutions that they normally break within the first few months of the year. Some people plunge themselves into insanely cold water in some attempt to head into the new year with a “fresh” start via hypothermiatic tradition. (10 points for working the term “hypothermiatic” into my blog entry.) Some people drink themselves into stupidity to avoid dealing with the pain that, for some, comes with the holidays and the end of another year. Others sit and reflect on the year passed and the lessons they’ve learned and how far they’ve come. Then there are those who look forward. Those who look anxiously into the year ahead and wonder what’s in store. Excited with the anticipation and excitement of the unknown.

The new year for me has always been a struggle for different reasons every year. With the exception of the hypothermia, I’ve taken every approach above with the upcoming year. Still, with every attempt, I always end up with the same result. I feel empty. Thinking about this, I realized that none of these remedies involve God’s plan. God’s promise to take control, if we let Him, and turn our worlds upside down so that we may be broken enough to see the world through His eyes. I give God control of certain aspects of my life. At times, it seems like I give Him everything. But do I really give Him EVERYTHING? That is the key. And even when I give him the little bit I do, I always try to take it back. I try to take control when things get rocky. The storm starts to rage and the boat starts to rock and I want to take control of the ship. This only proves my lack of trust, my lack of faith. Then He wakes and humbles me in ways I never saw coming.

“Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples. Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!”

Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid? You have so little faith!”

Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves, and suddenly there was a great calm.” Matthew 8:23-27

There are those who choose to live in the past and there are those who choose to live for the future. Then there are those who live for the now...Carpe Diem! All of these extremes have their downfalls. In the past year, I feel as though I’ve lived through all three. When it comes down to it, you can’t truly start to live until you just give it to God and let him use your past to mold your future and give you comfort and contentment for today. To know this and truly live like this takes a large amount of faith and trust in Him. I struggle with this daily. This ties into my resolution for the new year. I’ve decided I need to stop living in fear and start living in faith. I have a hard time making decisions because I’m so afraid of falling. If I lived by faith, I wouldn’t worry about falling because I’d know that my decisions are faith based and not fear based. I think I’ll call it a new year decision. Resolutions, all too often, are broken. This needs to be a way of life, a way of living. I think it’ll be a step in the right direction. It’s time to stop being miserable and start taking action to make the best of where I’m at. Time to really let God into the messy parts so that I may be broken enough to let go of everything I’m holding on to.

"God can mend a broken heart, but he has to have all the pieces."
The following verse really spoke to me this week and I thought I'd share…

"For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

Isaiah 43:19

I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year!

The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side

2006-12-26T14:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted anything worth a darn. My appologies. I usually don't have a problem writing about things but, for some reason lately, my mind has been so all over the place.

Christmas this year was unlike any Christmas I've ever had. What was looking to be a great Christmas of tradition and time with family ended up being quite the opposite. As I said in a prior post, it started with having such a hard time getting into the spirit. I never really got that excitement about it that I usually do this time of year. Anyway, so as the holiday was quickly approaching, I started getting so excited to go back to Colorado and spend some time with my family with hopes of a white Christmas. Well, Colorado had a white Christmas alright. My flight was canceled and here I was stuck in AZ for Christmas. Because of the people stranded and the flights already booked, the soonest they could get me out was after Christmas. So after being crushed that I wasn't going to be with my family on Christmas, I started thinking. How many people in this world have no family to go to for the holidays? How many people are left cold, hungry, and lonely on Christmas? I felt very selfish for being so upset. My aunt and uncle graciously took me in and I got to spend Christmas, for the first time, with that side of the family. All day, I was wishing I could be in Colorado. I was wishing I could be in Tennessee. I was wishing I could be anywhere but here. And then I realized just how blessed I am to be just where I was. To have the family I do, weather it be here or there. I think sometimes things don't go as planned to kind of put things into perspective for us. It takes a little inconvienience to wake up to the fact that sometimes, the most uncomfortable and unplanned of situations, are the best for us in the end. I still wish I could have been home for Christmas. However, it was one more way I was forced to do something different. Something out of the ordinary. Something out of my control.

I've been complaining about how much the weather here has hindered my ability to get into the spirit. The truth is, I've been preventing myself from getting into the spirit. I let myself get bogged down with all the negatives that I forget to look up and see all the positives that are right in front of my face. I neglect to notice all the people who have gone out of their way to make this an amazing Christmas.

"The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side", right? The entire time I was in Colorado and New York, all I wanted was a palm tree Christmas and a paradise winter. Now that I have it, I miss the snow so much I can't stand it. Such is life though. We always want what we can't have. We always want what's beyond our reach. We always look past the way things are to the way things were or the way things could be. Then, you wake up one morning and realize that it all just passed you by because you spent too much time wishing for something different. When, in reality, what you have at that moment is just what you need.

Merry Christmas!

2006-12-21T13:07:00.000-07:00

Crying Shame

2006-12-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

I had this song in my head this morning and it really spoke to me. Thought I'd share...

Crying Shame

Jack Johnson

It's such a tired game

Will it ever stop?

How will this all play

Out of sight out of mind.

By now we should know how to communicate

Instead of coming to blows,

We're on a roll

And there ain't no stopping us now

We're burning under controlIsn't it strange how we're all

Burning under the same sun?

By now and save, it's a war for peace

It's the same old game

But do we really want to play?

We could close our eyes it's still there

We could say it's us against them

We could try but nobody wins

Gravity has got a hold on us all

We could try to put it out

But it's a growing flame

Using fear as fuel

Burning down our name

And it won't take too long

Cause words all burn the same

And who are we going to blame now?

It's such a crying, crying, crying shame

By now it's beginning to show

A number of people are numbers that ain't coming home

I could close my eyes it's still there

Close my mind be aloneI could close my heart and not care

But gravity has got a hold on us all

It's a terrific price to pay

But in the true sense of the word

Are we using what we've learned?

In the true sense of the word

Are we losing what we were?

It's such a tired game

Will it ever stop?

It's not for me to say

And is it in our blood

Or is it just our fate?

And how will this all playout of sight, out of mind

Who are we going to blame all in all?

It's such a crying, crying, crying shame

Tradition, Control, & Christmas

2006-12-14T12:20:00.000-07:00

I wish I had some insightful thing to write about, but things have been so crazy the past couple weeks, I'm pretty much just waiting to see what God is going to do with it all. So forgive me if my thoughts seem a little scattered.

With Christmas rapidly approaching at warp speed, I'm frantically trying to make sure I get everything done in the little time I have. If I can look back in January and successfully have gotten everyone on my list taken care of, I'll be impressed.

I can't wait to go to home to Colorado! When I was a kid, Christmas was always spent with my family. My grandparents and my aunts and my uncles and my cousins. I always looked forward to grandpa's turkey, my grandmother's deserts, and the antics of my uncles and joking with my cousins. About 7 years ago, this tradition came to a halt. This year, it's back to tradition. Back to my roots. Back home. I'm going snow boarding with my cousins and a few friends. I'm super excited for that since I haven't been in a couple years. Never thought I'd say it's been years since I've been on the slopes.

In other news, the past few weeks have really been a roller coaster. One day things seem almost unbearable and the next I'm on top of the world. I find it hard to just sit back and let someone else take control. Obviously, there is the never-ending struggle that everyone goes through with giving all control to God. Trusting that He will take care of the desires of our hearts. But even after all of that, there is still the battle of letting another person make you happy. I've become so independent and focused on making everyone else happy that when someone comes along and wants to make me happy, I don't know how to begin to accept that. There have been times in my life when I've relied on other people to make me happy. This was not a healthy place to be. Since then, I've realized that God is the only one we can truly rely on to give us the desires of our hearts and to make us happy. Relying on other people for that is like chasing the wind. It's a foundation of sand that quickly fades when you least expect it. But what if God uses someone else to make us happy at the exact moment when we need it the most? What if you get to the root of who you truly are and what you see makes you tremble...then someone comes along and reminds you that your brokeness is beautiful? Don't get me wrong, there are parts of being broken that need to be fixed. However, there are parts that are broken for a reason and though we may not like how it looks, in the end, it's the best thing for us.

Anyway, like I said, things have been crazy. There's a lot more I could write about but I'm still trying to make sense of it all myself.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas season. I'm so very thankful for all of you in my life and I hope you are all blessed this Christmas.

P.S. If you have some time to kill, check out http://www.itsredagain.com/.

Reliance

2006-12-05T06:51:00.000-07:00

For most of us, when we were kids it was easy to make friends. Everyone was your friend. We all had a child-like view of the world and no one could do wrong. Even little squabbles only lasted but a mere few days before they blew over. As we get older, we start to see things. We start to find things we don’t like in people. We start to listen to what other people say. We listen to the gossip. Our minds get clouded and suddenly, friends are hard to come by. We meet people who become friends but as soon as we get hurt or something uncomfortable comes into light, we become distant. Then the friendship fades.

I’m realizing how valuable friendships are the older I get. Ultimately, we are all looking for the same thing. We all want to be accepted. We all want companionship. We all want to be loved. Obviously, first and foremost, I have all of these things through Christ Jesus, but I believe God puts people in our lives to fill the needs of our hearts. He puts people in our lives that He feels we can help and those He feels can help us.

I have things from my past that happened outside of my control. I feel like, rather than continuing to feel like a victim because of it, I need to let God use me as a light for other people. It’s sometimes hard to think that the bumps in the road, big or small, happened for a reason. It’s hard to realize that something so horrific could actually serve a purpose for someone else. In realizing this, I’m ready to accept these things and let God work through me to help others.

And for that matter, God’s also been showing me that I’ve never really had a time in my life where I had nothing. Where I really had to start over. I always had someone to fall back on. I always had someone there to catch me. I always, weather I realized it or not, had someone to rely on. Now, I’m here and I am forced to completely surrender my life to the Lord. I have an amazing family that supports me in all that I do and I have amazing friends that I wouldn’t trade for the world. But we are all only human. The only one I can really rely on is God himself. For the first time in my life, I’m so very thankful for my messy life. Because it is through my mess that I am forced to completely rely on God.

Winds Of Change

2006-11-30T10:10:00.000-07:00

I've been super busy at work this week and last. I don't have much time to write now, but I promise I will update soon!

This song really spoke to me this week so I thought I'd share:

Winds of Change

Can you feel the pains in life?

Wrapped around you like they're chains

Restricting all your dreams

Do you wonder if there is a way?

A way to set you free

Set you free

So tell me all your dreams

Tell me all your fears and what you're longing for the most

It's not another way

That'll end up the same for it's under my control

Do you feel the winds of change?

Soon this weight will fall away

And take you to a place

Only found through these winds of change

A breeze that's new and free

New and free

So tell me all your dreams

Tell me all your fears and what you're longing for the most

It's not another way

That'll end up the same for it's under my control

I'll be the one who you can cry to

The one who will give you wings

I will give you wings

Someday we'll sail away

Mounted up on wings like eagles

We will run and will not fade away

So tell me all your dreams

Tell me all your fears and what you're longing for the most

It's not another way

That'll end up the same for it's under my control

I'll be the one who you can cry to

The one who will give you wings

I will give you wings

The one who will give you wings

I will give you wings

To set you free

The one who will give you wings

I will give you wings

To set you free

The one who will give you wings

~Kutless

Where's Christmas?

2006-11-21T08:10:00.000-07:00

I'm having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. My dad reminded me of this classic song and I couldn't agree with it more right now....

Colorado Christmas

Looking out the window of this hollywood hotel,

Youd never know that it was christmas eve.

The billboards and the neon took the place of silver bells,

And the temperature is 84 degrees.

I can hear the traffic on the crowded strip below

As the palm trees poke their heads above the scene

Theres not a single reindeer and it hardly ever snows,

And santa drives a rolls royce limosine.

But all along the rockies you can feel it in the air

From telluride to boulder down below

The closest thing to heaven on this planet anywhere

Is a quiet christmas morning in the colorado snow

I remember christmases when I was just a boy

In the morning I would run to see the tree.

And the carolers on the hillside sang their songs of christmas joy

Well, I always thought they sang them just for me.

Now the sun is setting in the california sky

And I cant find the spirit anywhere

So I think its time for me to tell los angeles goodbye

Im going back home toook for christmas there

But all along the rockies you can feel it in the air

From telluride to boulder down below

The closest thing to heaven on this planet anywhere

Is a quiet christmas morning in the colorado snow

~ Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

Thanksgiving

2006-11-20T10:33:00.000-07:00

This is what it's about! We recently partnered up with Fry's Grocery Store to collect Turkey's for the Salvation Army to give out on Thanksgiving. Last years numbers doubled!! Below are the results:

"The 13th Annual Big Guy Turkey Drive was a huge success. 3TV viewers came out and did Something Good, actually something great!

In one day, with the help of our viewers we raised:
$71,159.82 for the Salvation Army and 2,177 turkeys!

We are very exciting about this outpouring of community support. Fry's stores will continue to take monetary donations for the Turkey Drive through the month of November.

Just so you know last year viewers donated:
$37,000 and 1,014 turkeys.

But remember this is much more than turkeys and dollars. Families who thought they wouldn't be able to have a Thanksgiving meal now can."

Sweeping It Up

2006-11-15T14:58:00.000-07:00

Last night I was asking God why he would allow so many things to come down at the same time. When it seems like I already have so much on my plate, things get dug up and God decides it’s time to deal with more. Then an image appeared in my head. It was a broom sweeping up the floor. As I'm thinking about this, I realized something. You can’t pick up the little pieces off the floor one by one and throw them away. That would take forever. Instead, you sweep everything into one pile and then throw it away. This is one of many things that’s happened in the last 48 hours that has just left me speechless. I will be able to write more about everything later, but at this point all I can say is God is working and the enemy is fighting. Jesus bought me for the highest price. When I slipped and fell into old ways, He was always there. He paid my debt. He made me new. No words I write could ever describe how amazing that is.

Endurance

2006-11-10T08:48:00.000-07:00

After feeling completely overwhelmed and taken over by all that’s on my plate, a song came on the radio the other morning and made me stop what I was doing. It’s funny that my most favorite scripture speaks about waiting on the Lord and trusting that the Lord will give us the strength we need to get through and yet I complain about how much I have on my plate and how exhausted I am, and how I don’t know if I can handle much more. Well, I still feel all those things, however, I am praying like crazy that God will carry me through the next few months. I started reading my bible last night and God put it on my heart to turn to James. Sure enough, the words that popped out immediately were; “Challenges”, “Endurance”, “Wisdom”, “Decisions”, “Rewards”, and “Obedience”. I love how God constantly reminds me that He is in control. He “put me in my place” for lack of a better phrase. I have so much on my plate right now and I feel like my world is upside down, but it’s only temporary. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I think, when things get tough, it’s easy to get tunnel vision and feel overwhelmed and exhausted. Since this happened the other day, I’ve felt refreshed…renewed. I’ve decided that, although I have more on my plate than I feel I should, it’s what I need to do to get to where I need to be. There’s a song by The Fray that states, “Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same”. The path I’m taking isn’t the easy one and will quite frankly be exhausting, but it’s what I need to do. After a lot of thought, I believe it’s a step in the right direction. Please pray for strength and serenity in these times of chaos. Thank you to all of you who have been there for me. I am truly blessed to have all of you in my life. I know, with God at my side, that no task is too big and no trial is too tough.

James 1:2-4
"Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."

Tis The Season!

2006-11-09T08:16:00.000-07:00

Ok NOW it’s time! I always say that I know it’s that time of year when I walk into Starbucks and the Christmas music is playing, the cups are red and an aroma of peppermint and gingerbread permeates the room. This morning, this day came to me. Ha! To my surprise, we had Starbucks in our lobby this morning. It was the whole set-up folks…including the baristas! Imagine, a fully functioning Starbucks in the lobby of your office. For today, I love my job.

I’m officially in the holiday spirit. Ok, ok, ok. I realize this comes just a few weeks after my rant about how early it comes, but I can’t help but get into the spirit every year when I walk into Starbucks and all is suddenly right with the world. Way to go Starbucks, way to go. I’m convinced they are hypnotizing people with their coffee. Soon we’ll all be Starbucks zombies…or should I say Megabucks.

P.S. Eggnog Latte’s are now being served at your local Starbucks. YAY!

Let the madness begin…

Six Flags!

2006-11-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

This weekend was so much fun!
For those of you who don’t know, we took the youth to Six Flags Magic Mountain in L.A. The park was amazing! I’ve never been to an amusement park that is made up of nothing but roller coasters. I was psyched. We decided to start on the Tatsu, which is a new ride as of Spring ’06. It’s the longest, fastest, and highest flying coaster in the world. Flying meaning that you feel like you are, well, flying. We waited two and a half hours for this ride! Haha. It was so worth it though. I felt like my brain was going to come out of my mouth. Haha. I recommend it. My next favorite; Goliath. Oh my gosh. Seriously, the scariest coaster I’ve ever been on. It’s been featured numerous times on The Travel Channel. I was psyched to finally get to go on it. The thing takes you up a 25 story drop and then goes straight down. No joke. There’s no slope folks. Straight. Down. Even better, at the bottom, you plummet into a tiny hole in the ground. (Looks tiny from 25 stories up) It literally took my breath away. Incredible. Thanks to Obie for introducing me to that one. It was awesome!

The rest of the trip was great. We all managed to stay awake the whole way back thanks to Jen’s Satellite radio. It was a 6 hour dance party in Jens car. Haha.

Anyway, hope everyone else had a great weekend. It’s good to be back in AZ…not so good to be back at work. Blah.

P.S. I'd like to commend Obie on a successful and fun Stupid Obie Game. "Car Ballet" made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe!

The Potter and The Clay

2006-11-02T09:09:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, I remember going to Home Depot to get a pot for a plant I had recently acquired. As I was standing there in front of clay pots in all colors, shapes, and sizes, God began to speak to me. I would look at one and find a crack. I’d put it back. I’d look at another and the paint was scratched. “Not that one.” I’d think to myself. I was standing there looking for the perfect pot for my plant. None of them seemed good enough. Later that night, I was reading my bible and happened to stumble upon Jeremiah 18:

1 The Lord gave another message to Jeremiah. He said, 2 “Go down to the potter’s shop, and I will speak to you there.” 3 So I did as he told me and found the potter working at his wheel. 4 But the jar he was making did not turn out as he had hoped, so he crushed it into a lump of clay again and started over.

5 Then the Lord gave me this message: 6 “O Israel, can I not do to you as this potter has done to his clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand. 7 If I announce that a certain nation or kingdom is to be uprooted, torn down, and destroyed, 8 but then that nation renounces its evil ways, I will not destroy it as I had planned. 9 And if I announce that I will plant and build up a certain nation or kingdom, 10 but then that nation turns to evil and refuses to obey me, I will not bless it as I said I would.

Suddenly, I realized the connection God was making in my heart that day at the “Potter’s Shop”. How amazing it was that a simple trip to Home Depot turned into a moment that would change my life.

I realize, now, reading back through this passage that although, looking back, my life is cracked and scratched, God's grace will crush me “into a lump of clay again and start over”. How powerful. I truly believe that is what He is doing in my life right now. Every aspect of my life is upside down and I’ve let it get the best of me the last couple of days. I continually have to remind myself that God is molding me.

Already?

2006-10-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

I was slapped in the face by Christmas this morning. The jolly songs, the scent of pine and peppermint…ahhhh…Seriously! Is it me or does this holiday come earlier every year? Don’t get me wrong, I love Christmas. However, by the time it actually gets here, I feel like I’ve been beaten over the head with it for three months and I can’t wait for the New Year. What’s worse is, you have two isles full of demonic scary costumes and things only your nightmares would go near. Then, just the next isle over you find happy songs, white snow, angels, santas and pine cones. Is this weird to anyone else?

Clouds!!

2006-10-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Never in my life did I ever think I would be so darn excited to see a cloudy day. I was elated when I looked out my window this morning and instead of the usual blue sky there were clouds! Lots of clouds! Oh it was so exciting! A friend or mine recently made a comparison to Groundhog Day. Living without seasons, to me, is like living in the movie Groundhog Day. I'm so thankful today for the change in pace. For the clouds!

Wilted

2006-10-23T13:04:00.000-07:00

I have a wilted plant sitting on my desk. It appears I left it in the window all weekend and it is now on it’s last leg. Too much sun? Not enough water? Either way, it looks pretty pathetic. I wonder how much this depicts where I am right now. I feel rather wilted myself. Too much of something? Not enough of something? I can’t quite put my finger on it. However, sitting around and feeling bad about the current situation, never got anyone anywhere. On Sunday, Pastor Danny spoke on letting God work through us in times of stress and anxiety. I need to have more faith that God will provide what I need. It’s hard sometimes to avoid getting caught up in the negatives when, in reality, it’s the hard times that wear us down to the very soul of who we are. It’s hard to trust that things are the way they are for a reason. God never promised it would be easy. He did, however, promise salvation and grace. The enemy has been fighting to use this as a foothold. God’s grace is so much stronger than that.

I got to thinking about why I’m here. How I ended up here. Recently, I’ve been thinking about how much I miss about New York and how much I don’t have here that I had there. I am then reminded of my confidence when I moved. The confidence that God was sending me here for a reason. I am here to do the work He has sent me to do. For me to complain about it and be depressed about it is just plain selfish. It’s not about me.

Below is one of my favorite songs by U2. I thought it was befitting to share:

Grace

Grace

She takes the blame

She covers the shame

Removes the stain

It could be her name

Grace

It's a name for a girl

It's also a thought that Changed the world

And when she walks on the street

You can hear the strings

Grace finds goodness

In everything

Grace

She's got the walk

Not on a ramp or on chalk

She's got the time to talk

She travels outside

Of karma, karma

She travels outside
Of karma

When she goes to work

You can hear the strings

Grace finds beauty

In everything

Grace

She carries a world on her hips

No champagne flute for her lips

No twirls or skips

Between her fingertips

She carries a pearl

In perfect condition

What once was hurt

What once was friction

What left a mark

No longer stings

Because grace makes beauty

Out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty

In everything

Grace finds goodness

In everything

Trust

2006-10-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

This song met me where I was at this morning. Thought I'd share:

Trust

Looking for something I've never seen

Alone and I'm in between

The place that I'm from and

The place that I'm in

A city I never been

I found a friend or should I say a foe

Said just a few things you should know

We don't want you to see

We come and we go

Here today, gone tomorrow

We're only taking turns

Holding this world

It's how it's always been

When you're older you will understand

If I say who I know it just goes to show

You need me less than I need you

Take it from me

Don't give sympathy

You can trust me, trust nobody

But I said you and me

We don't have honesty

The things we don't want to speak

I'll try to get out but I never will

Traffic is perfectly still

- The Fray

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

2006-10-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Do you ever notice how as soon as we express to others the good things God is doing in our lives, the enemy just loves to use that as a foothold to try and pull us back down?

I’m sorry to report that I’ve been struggling with my anxiety recently. It’s nothing severe, I still have managed to avoid any attacks. However, I’ve been feeling really light headed and dizzy the last couple of days. Sort of how I was feeling before I went on the medication. Just really out of it and stressed. Very overwhelmed and anxious. I feel smothered with it. Please pray that God would continue to heal me with this and that I would be strong enough to see through the enemy’s lies.

The Beach and The Buffs

2006-10-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

It’s settled. I need to live on a beach. Particularly Huntington. I went to California this last weekend for my friend’s wedding and it was awesome. It was a little wedding ON the beach and it was possibly the cutest wedding I’ve ever been to. Yesterday, we went to the beach to watch the international surfing competition. I heart surfing! Really, it’s a wonder I still live inland. I stayed with my friend Sarah whom I haven’t seen in WAY too long. She lives a mere two blocks from the beach and I’m SO jealous. It was so good to see her. Just what I needed.

You didn’t think I’d end this without making at least one reference to the FANTASTIC game on Saturday did you? The Buffs…WON!! And against Texas Tech taboot! I am upset that I missed the game, but nothing compares to getting that message on my phone from my grandfather that our Buffs are FINALLY back! Oh it made my day. Now, with Peterson and Alexander out of the game for OU this weekend, we might actually stand a chance. Perhaps I’ll skip town and not watch the game again…seems to be working…and it’s not a bad gig for me either. Haha.

Trust

2006-10-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

"It is better to take refuge in the Lord

Than to trust in people."
Psalm 118:8

There is only one that we can fully rely on and trust to never let us down and that is God himself. I keep putting all of my energy into things that are simply unknown and simply not in my control. We are only human. We are created to make mistakes. It’s what teaches us to get back up and try, try again. Jesus is the only one who will never let us down…and that comes with a guarantee. Can you imagine if your friend told you that they guaranteed that they would never let you down? Naturally, you’d doubt that right away knowing that they are human. Now imagine God’s promise that He’ll stay with us through thick and thin and never let us fall without a safe place to land. Thank you God for that kind of assurance. Thank you for your life you gave so that I may live. Thank you for the promise I have in you. In times of doubt and pain, you are still there. In times when I’m careless and things fall apart, you are there to pick up the pieces. No human love could ever compare to that.

I shouldn’t envy the things I do and I shouldn’t long impatiently for the things I know God will eventually provide. I need to learn to trust more in the Lord and His promise. That’s pretty much what it boils down to.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:5-6 5

Healing

2006-10-10T11:06:00.000-07:00

Psalms 103
"Let all that I am praise the Lord;
May I never forget the good things he does for me.
He forgives all my sins
And heals all my diseases.
He redeems me from death
And crowns me with love and tender mercies.
He fills my life with good things.
My youth is renewed like the eagle’s!"

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve been battling with anxiety for the past 5 years and have been on medication for it for the past 4 years. Well, if you know me, you know that I hate taking medicine. I hate relying on medication. In some cases, medication is necessary and I do believe that. My Grandfather is a very good pharmacist and I do believe in the healing power of medicine. However, I also believe in the healing power of God. All my life I’ve heard stories of people “being healed” and then there are obviously the numerous stories in the bible of miraculous healings taking place. I never really knew if I fully believed in that extreme of a healing…until now. My anxiety was something I struggled with even when I was on the medication. I struggled with anxiety attacks that pushed people away and turned me into a person I wasn’t proud to be. Relationships were put in jeopardy because people didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t even know how to deal with it. After moving to AZ, I lost my health insurance because I had to start a new job. Without insurance, my medication was ridiculously expensive. I was having anxiety about my anxiety. About weather or not I was going to be able to continue taking the medicine the doctor prescribed to curb my attacks. I hated the fact that I had to rely on that. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me…could I be healed? After researching the side effects of going off of what I was taking, I found that it is one of the hardest to get off of and has numerous side effects after going off of it. I continued to pray about it and finally decided to slowly go off of it. I was terrified. I was worried I was going to get worse before I got better.

Well folks, it’s been two months since I’ve been off of it completely and I haven’t had a single anxiety attack. Not one. Granted, I’ve had a few bouts of moodiness, insomnia, and anxiety, but the very second I feel it creeping in, I start to pray…and before I know it, it’s gone. I am continually amazed at how successfully I’ve come out of this. I thought for sure, it was going to be a bumpy road and I was ready for it.

I haven’t been very open with people about this, however, I couldn’t let this go by without sharing it with everyone. God is truly amazing and is the only true healer.

James 5:14-16
"Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for this. I truly believe in the power of prayer and I know I wouldn’t be where I’m at without it. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Jeremiah 33:6
"Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security."

How Much Is Too Much?

2006-10-09T12:13:00.000-07:00

How do you know when enough is enough? And when you realize enough is enough, or sometimes too much, what do you do? How often do we go through life wanting more? How often do we go on, unsatisfied with what we have? Constantly wanting more. More faith, more love, more life. Do we ever really get “enough”?

I’ve been juggling this thought back and forth in my head for days. God will provide and God will never give us more than we can handle. I know this. I have faith in this. At this point, the thought of trying to sort it all out on my own is exhausting. I’m exhausted. I’ll go back to my previous post where God revealed to me “I have to break you to mold you.” Breaking comes in different forms for everyone. For me, apparently, exhaustion is my breaking point. I’m too exhausted to run anymore. I’m too exhausted to try and carry all of this on my own. At this point, I’m forced to give it to God. (Definitely not a bad thing.) I always give things to God on my terms, when I feel like, “Ok. You win. Here you go.” I’m sorry God for fighting this. I’m sorry for being so stubborn. I want to give it ALL to You. Take over my life and lead me in the direction you want me to go.

We all go through the highs and lows of life and we are all imperfect in different ways. It’s the support we get from the people around us that keep us going. It’s the faith in our hearts that there is something more incredible than we could ever imagine outside this life we live. Without that faith, we would all be lost and these kinds of questions would consume us and swallow us whole. Thank you, all of you, for loving me despite my imperfections. I’m truly grateful for the friends and family I have. You all mean the world to me.

Wherever You Go, There You Are

2006-10-05T11:43:00.000-07:00

I've recently had my eyes opened to the fact that I have a bad habit of running away from things. As soon as I am put in a vulnerable situation, I turn and run the other direction. When I moved out of my parents house at 18, I never stayed in one place for longer than a lease would force me to. I was infamously known for never being in the same place. Every time I would stumble, I would pick myself up and move on...literally. I would move somewhere else. I would get out. Get away. In some cases, looking back, this was a good thing. However, running only buries the pain. It only sweeps it under a rug somewhere in the back of my heart. I left Colorado to follow my heart. Leaving behind a lot of things that I needed to get away from. I left New York when things got tough. The more people I meet, the more I hear, “Wow. You’ve lived all over”. I guess that’s an accomplishment of some sort. However, looking back, I’m not sure that my reasoning for it was necessarily healthy.

I’m tired of running. I’m exhausted. Like any habit, I can’t wake up tomorrow and be over it. At this point, I know it’s going to take a lot for me to stop running. To stop getting that anxious feeling in my heart every time I feel vulnerable. I feel very timid. This only keeps me from letting people in. From letting people love me. I believe it’s a result of running for so long. In trying to run away from getting hurt, I ended up more hurt than I would have, had I stayed and endured the trials. I also hurt a lot of people in the process. All for some attempt to fend for myself. How selfish is that?

Pain and hard times are a part of life. You can’t run from it. Because no matter how far you run or how secluded you get, it will find you. It’s what molds us. It’s what makes us appreciate the blessings in life. It’s what makes us who we are.

I’m ready to let it go. I’m ready to face the storm with God as my armor. I’m ready to start peeling back the layers I’ve used to cover myself up. Through all this, I hope, one day I will be able to just stop. And be.

Come On Inside

2006-09-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

I recently purchased the new Luce album and after my first listen, I didn’t think I liked it. It was all about mushy, gushy love songs. Haha. A few days went by and I decided to listen to it again. It’s interesting how much better things sound and look when you change your perspective. This song put a smile on my face because I feel like God was telling me, “Let ME be that person. Let ME fill that void.” This song now speaks to me in a completely different way. I love it!

The Sweetest Smile

Aliens could come down
Straight from outer space
And climb in through the
Window of our place

They could tell me
I should shut my mouth
Or They’d tear my eyes
Out of my face and
That they had plans to
Take you far away

But I can promise you that,
That I can promise you
I wouldn’t let you go

Cause in the middle of
Your darkest days,
When you’re standing
In the pouring rain,
Come on inside
Come on inside

And when it feels like
It’s too hard to try
I’m gonna be with you
For all your life
Come on inside

And if the devil came
Above the ground
With his tongue out
On his chin
And told me that
He was taking you
Back home with him

I would punch him
In the mouth
I'd take your hand
And turn around
Then run away
Then run away

Cause this heart
Could take you way
This heart could
Take you away
I wouldn’t ever
Let you go

You've got the sweetest smile

It's the sweetest smile

And it's something

You can keep all of your life

Grateful

2006-09-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning feeling so refreshed. (Seems to be a theme lately.) I realized this weekend that all these things I’ve been holding on to are far to much to carry on my own. I realized that I needed to give it to God. And not just parts of it, but all of it. I feel like an elephant has been lifted off my shoulders. What an amazing thing that He would take on all our burdens even though we are so undeserving. I am so grateful today. Grateful to have such an amazing God. Grateful to have such amazing friends that hold me accountable in my walk with Him.

At this moment, I’m content with my imperfectness. God made me this way and I will embrace every one of my flaws because that’s what makes me who I am. I’m tired of beating myself up and thinking I’m not good enough. Thinking that people push me away because of something I did or something I lack. When, in reality, it has nothing to do with me. Thank you God for continuing to work in my heart and for bearing my heavy burdens so that I may live.

Refreshed

2006-09-25T09:21:00.000-07:00

What an amazing weekend. I went on our Women’s Retreat over the weekend and met so many amazing women. It was so nice to get away from everything for a weekend and just spend time with God and his daughters. I realized a lot of things that made it easier to let things go. It was amazing to see how the Lord touched all the women and worked through each of us to help each other heal and be refreshed.

I’m still trying to kick this cold. My voice is shot. Perhaps I should stop talking. Ha! There’s an idea. I was singing in the car this morning and suddenly felt like God stopped me and told me just to stop and listen. Not only to save my voice but to really listen to what He had to say. I love when that happens.

Looking on to the week ahead, I’m excited to get back to church and the youth. This weekend, I’m working Edge Fest (a ton of bands come together sponsored by the radio station “The Edge”) . CW is also sponsoring the event and our very own Six Pack will be introducing all the bands. So that will be a fun event to work. I hope I get to see Incubus. They have a great line up. Should be fun. Other than that, I’m working on getting organized this week.

I hope everyone had a great weekend!

P.S.

2006-09-18T12:21:00.000-07:00

You know you have a cool job when kids take field trips through your office.

God Will Make All Things New

2006-09-15T21:25:00.000-07:00

Before I post this, I want to clarify that this is in no way being posted in a depressing manner. But, rather, in a victorious light as I'm taking steps I've never taken before and putting faith in things I never knew were possible. God is good and the only true healer.

I had some time to kill this evening...(can you believe I was actually EARLY after sitting in traffic?!)...so I decided to check out a clothing store that a friend recently told me about. (Thanks Jen!) Perusing through the store (not planning on actually purchasing anything), I found a shirt that cought my eye and I knew I had to have it. It simply states, "healing comes to the broken places first". So I get home and there was a card attached to it that states the following:

"Here I stand...
Wondering how it's come to this
My face stained with tears,
My hand filled with grief,
My broken heart lying in my weak hands

That Beautiful life
I've so often pictured
Seems so distant now
And all around me
I'm swallowed up by my pain

(this gets better, I promise)

But somehow somewhere
I sense a distant shaking
It starts slowly, and grows steadily
And as it becomes overwhelming
Pure light slices through oppressive darkness

Revealing my sins
And my dirty, sick heart

(here's the good part)

And as you reach out
And touch my broken places
I feel my shame, apathy
And selfishness melting away

You're not even slightly intimidated
By my sin or my evil, twisted thoughts

Once again I dare to hope
Once again I dare to love
Once again I dare to believe...

You are the faithful One in my life
You are the One who sets my heart free
You are good thrown into this dark world

And you make all things new."

I am so thankful to have such a forgiving God. In order to strengthen our strong parts, He must first heal the broken parts that cause us to fall. I've been broken for so long and it's time to become whole in Him. I'm so content knowing that God is working in my heart. Thank you, for all your thoughts and prayers. I truely believe this has been a much easier process because of it. I'm so blessed to have the friends and family that I do who continually give me wings when I've forgotten how to fly.

Cirque Du Soleil

2006-09-12T14:04:00.000-07:00

I went to see Cirque Du Soleil’s Delirium last night and it was amazing! A bit bizarre at times, but oh my goodness. It’s one of those things that just leaves you speechless. It is about the quest for balance in a world that is increasingly out of sync with reality via. the subconscious of this man's dream. Being that I have such vivid dreams, it was amazing to see different things interpreted throughout his journey. The vocal talent was incredible. Some of the voices used in this production are some of the most amazing vocal talent I’ve ever heard. I suppose I don’t even need to touch on the wonderment of how these people contort their bodies and stand on each other’s heads. No really. This guy did a one handed hand stand with the only thing grounding him being his one hand on top of another guys head. (Chiropractors everywhere are cringing) Simply amazing. If you ever get an opportunity to go see this, I highly recommend it.

In other news, I’m looking forward to the rest of the week with an 80’s kick off breakfast, a b-b-q, an end of summer pool party, and a birthday party in store. Always busy. Perhaps I need to take like three days to just…breathe. I’m thinking that might be a good idea.

P.S. I ended up getting tickets for tonight too! YAY! Two nights in a row!

"I Had To Break You To Mold You"

2006-09-12T13:59:00.000-07:00

Things have been such a roller coaster lately that it’s hard to keep up. At times I feel like I’m drowning and then there are times when I feel like I’ve got it all together. Either way, I know that God is by my side and I trust in the plan He has for me.

“I had to break you to mold you.” These words creeped into my head this morning and I found comfort in knowing that where I am at is only temporary. He is doing so much in my life right now and just when I think things are slowing down, He does something to show me that He’s no where close to being finished with me. I feel like a lot of walls are being knocked down within me and things are being broken that are beyond my understanding. I’ve spent a long time building foundations of sand and now it’s time to knock down everything I’ve built on that foundation so that God can lay a new, firm foundation, for what He has planned. It’s going to be a bumpy ride but I’m throwing my hands up on this roller coaster and trusting in the Lord my Savior.

Game Time!

2006-09-08T11:43:00.000-07:00

“We are light years a head of last week, no question." - Hawkins

Well, I certainly hope so. I have a knot that's been growing in my gut all week getting ready for this game. I find it hard to believe that the same team that lost to a “high school level” team last week could possibly be “light years ahead” and ready to play with the big boys. Ok Ok Ok. I’m being harsh. I still back up my Buffs 100%! I’m just so embarrassed at this point. I've avoided ESPN all week just for the fact it’s been nothing but a mockery of what a pathetic team we came out with last weekend. I just hope we can step up to the plate and start playing some football.

As far as CSU goes, ….are you kidding me? I’d like to quote USA Today who stated, “Colorado State football coach Sonny Lubick says the three Rams players facing felony fraud charges made "silly mistakes" that have given his program a black eye.” Ok. First of all, “Silly Mistakes”? Seriously. What are we? 12? Apparently it is written somewhere that until you reach a certain age, you are permitted to commit felony’s and call them “silly mistakes”. Seriously. He continues to say that they are only Freshman and made a little mistake. Gosh. Well, in that case, I suppose CU’s “Silly Mistake” should be overlooked as well. Wow. [hoping you catch my sarcasm.]

I’d like to conclude with my favorite line from the article: "I'd put us up in America with anybody, including Stanford and Duke." Wow. Good luck boys. Good luck.

*sigh*

GO BUFFS!!!!

Stand In The Rain

2006-09-07T13:05:00.000-07:00

She never slows down
She doesn’t know why
But she knows that when she’s all alone
It feels like it’s all coming down
She won’t turn around
The shadows are long
And she fears if she cries that first tear
The tears will not stop raining down

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown
And one day what’s lost can be found
You stand in the rain

She won’t make a sound
Alone in this fight with herself
And the fear’s whispering
If she stands, she’ll fall down
She wants to be found
The only way out is through everything
She’s running from
Wants to give up and lie down

-SuperChick

Satan is a liar and a theif. I'm so thankful that God can break through that and bring comfort amidst the attacks from the enemy. I know that, no matter what, everything will work out if I lay it all down and just let it go.

Thank you God for your Mercy, Grace, and Comfort. You are truely and amazing God!

Don't Remind God of What He Has Already Forgotten.

2006-09-05T10:22:00.000-07:00

Out of curiosity, I tuned in to watch Joel Ostein over the weekend and was amazed at how right on his sermon was. God is so good at meeting us where we are at and He continually reminds me that He IS in control. I've been beating myself up for the past month trying to get over the guilt and pain from my past, and my everyday struggle with the ongoing list of things I need to work on in my life. What it all comes down to is the simple fact that God is continually molding me and shaping me into the person He wants me to be. I realized, I don't need to keep this list of things I 'need to work on' because God knows the things He wants to change in me and He will in His way. I have learned to accept myself for what I am and not so much for what I 'should be'. When I start criticizing myself, I'm criticizing God. He is my creator and He has molded me into the person I am today. As far as my past goes, I think Joel put it best when he said, "The minute you repented, God forgot about it. Stop reminding God of what He has already forgotten." Amen! I need to stop beating myself up over things that God forgave me for a long time ago. My fears that formulate from my regret are things that I just need to lay down at His feet.

God is good! He’s working in so many ways in my life right now and I am so thankful every day for His love and patience with me. I was so worried when I got here that I had made another wrong turn. I’m realizing more and more that this is where God has led me and I’ve never been more content with where I’m at and what I’m doing with my life.

In other news, I got a new fish for my desk today! Oh it was the excitement of the office. Our new mascots are a fish named Chloe and a frog named Walter. (CW) So that was exciting. Next week we’re having a 80’s kick off party at 8am for our Women’s Expo. Oh I can’t wait to break out my New Kids On The Block T-shirt and my leg warmers! Hahaha. Oh yeah, and the next day we’re having a Bar-B-Q. It’s gonna be a fun week. Not to mention, I’m going to see Cirque De Solleil (sp?) on Monday! I’m SO excited. (Another perk from work.) I’ll definitely have a full report about that one!

Bye Bye Steve

2006-09-05T08:06:00.000-07:00

Steve Irwin A.K.A. The "Crocodile Hunter", has passed away from a sting ray bite. Well, we all knew it was coming, but a sting ray? How ironic that he put himself on the line by wrestling with aligators and several other endangering giants....and then he looses his life to a sting ray. That's the coolest sting ray in the ocean right now. You know he's feeling pretty good about himself. Seriously though, I suppose it's no laughing matter. Rest in peace Steve. May you find happiness and crocodiles in heaven.

Football? What?

2006-09-03T18:11:00.000-07:00

I'm not too sure what to call yesterday's game, but it sure as heck wasn't football. First things first. The long awaited decision of who was going to be quarterback finally came to reviel Mr. James Cox as CU's starting QB. Now, I'm no expert, but when you've got a guy who missed most of spring practice and can't seem to complete a pass to save his life....I'm pretty sure, at that point, you'd know you've made a bad decision to let this guy lead your team. The first half was so sloppy, I was a little confused as to what sport it was that we were playing. It was a fun game of Field Goal Hockey for the first half thanks to Cox's inability to move the team down the field. Did I mention that Montana State is a Divison 1-AA team? Seriously. That's just embarassing. I will give credit to the the longest first play from scrimmage in school history that started the game. However, it seems, it just all went down hill from there. Hawkins has a LONG way to go and I'm officially nervous for next weekend's game against rivals CSU. I'm pretty sure I'll just shut my phone off for the entire weekend.

Are You Ready For Some Football?!!

2006-08-31T08:21:00.001-07:00

Today is the official start of the College Football season here in AZ. ASU will take on NAU for one heck of a game. I can't wait to see the drama that unfolds after the first game. With Carpenter stepping in on Keller's toes, it's bye-bye Keller...litterally. Did you know that Keller was so hurt that he asked to get out of his scholarship and transfered to Nebraska?! Wow. I would think things would have to get pretty bad to want to transfer to...*gulp*...Nebraska. Eeew. Good luck with that Keller.

Anyway, the soap opera-type drama is predicted to continue all season long. Imagine that, drama + football. It's like a soap opra on steriods. Now, don't get me wrong. I hate drama...and soap operas for that matter...but it's nice to see the other gender in the drama spotlight for once, and football players at that! Good luck boys. Oh, and your new uniforms are due in next week, the skirts might be a little short for your liking, but you'll get used to them.

In other news....Go Buffs! In a recent article regarding CU's crunch time before Saturday's big game, Hawkins said, “There are only so many times you can answer the same questions and go over the same issues, it’s time to get playing.” I love this guy! Oh it's gonna be a good season folks! Buckle up, 'cause it's gonna be a bumpy ride!

A Brand New Day

2006-08-30T08:22:00.000-07:00

"Though the sorrow may last through the night, Joy comes with the morning"

I am so thankful for each and every day. For even when I struggle at night, I always wake to another day. Fresh and new. It seems, every day, God is constantly reminding me that He is, indeed, in control. I take great comfort in knowing that. The enemy is evil and will creep in during late hours, however, "the light shines through the darkness". Thank you Jesus, for your strength and comfort in times of overwhelming anxiety.

We're having an Ice Cream Social at work today. Yay for free ice cream! :)

First One

2006-08-28T21:30:00.000-07:00

I haven't done the "blog" thing in a while, and I've never been good at keeping a "journal" so bare with me.

I hope this helps to keep everyone up to date on the things going on in my life. This day in age it's so easy to get caught up in our own lives, and a simple phone call or email seems like the last thing on our minds.

I've started my new job and I'm loving it so far. Everyone has been so nice and it's been such a breath of fresh air from the last job I had. I walk by the news studio every morning and it's definitely some nice insperation before I start work every day. :)

Thank you to all of you who have been praying for me and who have helped me while I was in search of a meaningful job. It was certainly a blessing that I got the job and I know that it was only by the grace of God that I did. So thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Continuing on from here, I'm struggling with understanding, trust, and patience. God is doing so many things in my life right now and it's hard to understand why some of the things are happening the way they are. In the end, however, I know that things will work out in the way He has planned.

I hope everyone is having a great week and thanks for checking out my blog!

Ciao'!

Tia